The Duchess of Sussex has been in the news again this week with her potential plans to have a home birth in Frogmore Cottage. I’ve gotten a bit fed up reading all the criticisms of the Duchess’s birth plans so I thought I’d explore what the Meghan-critics apparently want to happen when the future Royal Baby decides to come into the world
1. Don’t surround yourself with like-minded, supportive people
The last thing you need when you’re in labour is to have people who think along the same lines you do when it comes to bringing your baby into the world. Clearly, you don’t know what you’re doing.
Just sit back and let the professionals tell you how it should be done i.e. on your back, legs in the air, pushing till your blood vessels pop. Don’t make too much noise and ensure you maintain your dignity too. After all, your husband is watching and we wouldn’t want to put him off now would we?
2. For goodness sake, don’t have it at home!
All the latest research says that for straightforward pregnancies in healthy women, home birth is safer than hospital birth by some margin. But don’t let that sway you.
By choosing a home birth you’re selfishly endangering your child’s life. I mean, before hospitals began delivering babies in the fifties, the human race was on the brink of extinction. Don’t be a silly girl, go to the hospital.
3. Don’t read anything
Educating yourself about the process of childbirth will only lead to notions that you know what is best for you and your baby. Understanding the risks and benefits of the place of birth, types of pain relief and types of delivery will not serve you when your labour starts. Just let the
men professionals worry about the thinky-stuff. You just lie your pretty head down and push.
4. Listen to the masses
Look, everyone knows better than you. Joe Bloggs sitting in the pub with his Racing Post knows that male nannies, doulas, and hypnobirthing are all a pile of shite. And he’s an expert. Do us all a favour and do what you’re told for goodness sake. Stop trying to be different and making life difficult for everyone else.
5. Our baby, our choice
Everyone knows that babies are public property. Prepare for our sage wisdom on when you should feed, how long they should sleep, how often they should be held. I mean, we all raised our babies into perfectly adjusted adults who can make rational and sound choices (ahem, Brexit).
You should know by now that opinion of everyone else is really what matters here. What you think is irrelevant. Yes, you might have grown this human from scratch, and yes you will be pushing its massive head out your vagina but what you think doesn’t matter.